Working On Freedom!

Long Awaited Update

2010-10-04T10:31:00.002-05:00

So here I am. More than 3 yrs post op and my life is completely different than the one I used to lead. I'm getting divorced, I have a new wonderful man in my life, I moved, I started nursing clinicals and I am determined to live a life full of happiness and peace!

My weight fluctuates 15 lbs or so... and it's always a constant struggle to stay in control. I guess somewhere inside I'll always be fighting that fat girl! lol I usually wear a size 8 or 10 and I'm ok with that. It's a far cry from the size 28/30 I started at!

The kids are doing amazing. Hannah is in middle school. Abby is in 3rd grade and Gabe started preschool this year.

School for me is exciting and stressful. I am determined to finish though and get that RN degree in my hand! I'm still working at the nursing home and gaining a lot of experience.

My marriage fell apart, but truly I don't think the weight loss had anything to do with. It was already failing. All the weight loss did, was allow me to see that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to and that I did not have to settle for being treated in any way that was harmful or caused me pain or sadness. I chose to take my life back and I am truly happy!

My boyfriend Chad is amazing and I am so blessed to have him in my life!!!

I will post some updated pics!

3 years post op

2010-04-17T18:59:00.004-05:00

This is going to be a quick update b/c I'm getting ready to run out the door to work!

Start: 277 lbs.
1 year post op: 142 lbs.
2 years post op: 144 lbs.
Current/ 3 years post op: 152 lbs.

Total loss after 3 yrs: 125 lbs...

I've fought the dreaded bounce back but am still happy to be maintaining a 125 lbs loss after 3 years!

I'd call myself a success!

Easter 2010

2010-04-09T14:31:00.003-05:00

Down 10 lbs. of regained weight.

2010-04-01T17:59:00.002-05:00

I'm down to 150 lbs again... Now to lose 10 more! :)

It's almost been 3 years!

2010-03-26T14:05:00.005-05:00

Three years ago vs. TODAY!

I'm still here

2010-03-22T11:05:00.003-05:00

I know it appears that I went into hiding again but I'm here! I did have a couple days of struggle but am back at it. I refuse to give up. End of story.

Weight today: 154. Had seen lower but I'm taking it and going to see lower again...and once I leave these 150's behind, I'm going to try very very hard to not see them again!

It's a chilly rainy day...I've got homemade chicken noodle soup on the stove for the family. I'm doing laundry and watching a ton of shows I've dvr'ed over the last couple weeks. Basically just relaxing until I go into work tonight. I picked up a few night shifts this week to help out a friend.

I'm on spring break right now... Ended up w/ an A- in my class!

Kelly to answer your question about protein in my coffee... I use the RTD Atkins protein shakes and just pour some in the cup instead of using half and half. It mixes right in! :)

I'm watching Celebrity Fit Club right now... some of these people are not even fat. You've got to be kidding me... LOL

better!

2010-03-11T14:25:00.003-05:00

Today was a better day! I went and got my nails done and then bought Gabe a new pair of shoes (its camo in the DC)... these:

Then we ate at Olive Garden while Pepboys put a new tire on my car. Yep, that's right. Just bought 4 new tires two weeks ago... When we came out of the mall I heard "whoooooosh" and looked and there was a huge piece of metal in the tire. Thankfully, they gave us a brand new tire for $1.00. Now to call about the crack I got in my windshield Monday. A huge rock flew off a semi and cracked my window. And DJ is putting brakes on Saturday. I'm seriously SICK of putting money into this car!

I have been eating pretty well and have completely avoided sugar for almost a week now. :) Hope to see some movement on the scale again soon!

Bad, no good, horrible, can't end soon enough day...

2010-03-10T18:05:00.002-05:00

Does that title tell you anything?
It's been a rough week... and today was no exception. I am still eating right and hope it continues to pay off. I'm not planning on weighing in again until maybe Saturday morning. I still feel pretty puffy/bloated. Not sure what's up with that.
I bombed my anatomy exam today, and dropped from an A in the class to a B+. Ugh. If I buckle down for finals next week, I'll be able to pull it back up I hope. *fingers crossed*
A few other craptastic things happened today and I'm just in a mood. Rawr.

;)

day 5....

2010-03-09T16:41:00.001-05:00

Worked today...going strong :) 151 lbs. Now off to study for an exam tomorrow.

Day 4...154

2010-03-08T09:24:00.001-05:00

On plan. Worked 16 hrs yesterday... exhausted today. Down 6 lbs. so far....

Day 2...156.2

2010-03-06T04:49:00.002-05:00

Yep, down 4 lbs. Can you even believe that? I'm amazed at the amount of water my body holds on to when I'm not eating right. It's crazy and although I know that's water weight, it still gives me a boost to make it through another day of clean eating.
I'm heading into work and have my lunch packed! :) We have a wedding to go to tonight, but I'll behave!

On track

2010-03-05T16:31:00.003-05:00

I'm doing well today. Not one cookie or bad carb has crossed these lips. I found that old determination and today really hasn't been much of a struggle. I'm not getting haughty about it though. I know at any given moment I could plunge right into old habits and eat my way through a box of cookies. I am making a conscious decision though....each hour, minute, second.... to eat right.

Not working out very well

2010-03-04T12:55:00.003-05:00

So I came on here a few days ago frustrated with my weight gain and claiming I was going to make some changes. Instead, according to the scale, I gained 2 lbs. I know it is the endless snacking I'm doing. I think I have some issues going on though that are making eating less difficult for me. I am pretty sure I've got an ulcer brewing and when my stomach is empty, I get this gnawing pain that is alleviated when I put something in there. It has become a cycle... eat, feel good, get gnawing pain, eat, feel better, get gnawing pain, repeat...
Normally, I would've already been to the doctor and gotten some medication, but we are with out insurance right now b/c of the job situation we've been dealing with. I suppose I could try something over the counter, but I'm not sure of what would even work! Any suggestions?
Today I've made an effort. Which has been sort of blocked by the 175 boxes of girl scout cookies I have sitting in my kitchen. 16 of which belong to us. I think I've had about 5 cookies today. I also had:
coffee w/ protein
english muffin w/ pb and half a banana
chicken salad w/ spinach, ranch and cheese
a pickle
a string cheese
oh, and 5 girl scout cookies...
There is progress there, believe it or not. I've got a yummy crockpot full of chicken taco stew going for supper. It's low cal/low carb-ish and will get me through the evening.
I can't believe I'm one of those WLS people who let myself go and gain 27 lbs back from my lowest weight. I used to sit back and think it could never happen to me, but it did.
I didn't update this blog for many reasons. First of all, I knew people in my real life (family, co-workers, etc) had found it and I didn't want to fuel any gossip or drama. Secondly, I didn't think I needed support anymore. And finally, my life got really super busy there for a while and I didn't have time to write. I believe those 3 things have directly effected my failures. It made it easy for me to ignore what I was putting in my mouth.
So I've decided that those who want to talk about me can continue to talk. I do need support and no matter how busy I am, I can not let my health go. I can't tell you the last time I took a vitamin. :(
So again today I vow to do better. It may be baby steps... and it may take me awhile to get back to my sweet spot (140-145) but I will get there. I have to.

Almost 3 years out...

2010-03-02T15:18:00.003-05:00

Next month is my 3 year anniversary since having gastric bypass surgery. I really have changed so much since I rolled into the OR that day. Being in nursing school, working full time, running like crazy w/ my kiddos and husband and taking on new challenges that I would've never been able to accomplish at 300ish lbs.! Lately though, I've been feeling like old habits have creeped in. Even now, I can see the heads of fellow WLSer nod their heads in agreement, as they read that statement. It starts as a little extra bite or there.... or sip of liquids too early.... a nibble of dessert here and there til the whole piece is gone.... then turns into sitting in line at a fast food restaurant for lunch 3 times a week.

So my weight is up. I weighed 157 lbs. this a.m.... teetering on the obese category according to the BMI charts. I had to buy new jeans and they were a double digit size... something I said I'd never see again.

The thing is, I don't have to be 132 lbs. again... I'd love to stay between 140-145. That is where I feel the best. I am a size 6/8 and feel healthy at that point. Where I am now, I feel fat again.

So, why do I continue to shovel food down my throat? Yesterday I had consumed almost 2000 calories before 11 a.m. Um, yeah. That's sick. Lack of sleep, lack of choices, lack of self control....

The plan? I bought a ton of healthy food today... I've got 16 RTD protein shakes in my fridge too. No excuses. I've got to lose 15 lbs.

My surgerversary is next month. It'd be nice to be in my happy weight zone by then. :)

So, hop on.....I'm on the move again.... :)

It's time for an update

2010-02-08T16:07:00.003-05:00

Hello world!

After a tiny freak out from finding out that people in my real life knew about my blog, were reading and then gossiping about things I wrote, I went private. I'm back now. Screw them. I love my readers and I'm here to tell my story. They can stuff it. LOL

I am proud of my life, my struggles and my accomplishments and I know that what I share has helped other people too.

So here's where I am now!

Weight: up! 155.6 lbs as of this a.m. Eek. I know what to do, and I'm doing it.
Work: Crazy! Working full time on 3rd shift! Whew! I'm tired most of the time!
Kids: Doing awesome! <3
DJ: Still laid off from his awesome job, but working a mediocre job for the time being.
Me: I got my braces off! And am still plugging away at school. I'll be in clinicals this fall and am ready to get this done!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T14:15:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone! It's been too long again!

School is going amazingly well. I am getting awesome grades... all A's so far. I'm taking English, Chemistry and Anatomy. I will start clinicals in the fall. :) I am so excited.

Work is busy. That's all about all I say about that. That place and its drama is nuts. Always has been...always will be I suppose!

DJ and the kids are doing well. He's still laid off but we have all adjusted pretty well and are doing well working together as a team to get our goals accomplished!

Weight wise I am struggling a bit. I've hit my all time high (since surgery)... about 153. I can't stand it. I feel so bloated and I really need to refocus. It is tough with the crazy schedule though. I'm working it though!

I will be 140-145 again soon. :)

28 months

2009-08-17T13:13:00.002-05:00

I figured it was time for me to hop on and give an update.

I'm in school full time for nursing and it is going well. I got my grades today for Summer quarter. All A's again! :) Fall quarter doesn't start for about 4 weeks so I have a nice little break. Work is going well too. I went ahead and took a bid job on 3rd shift. I love it. Though I don't get much sleep I am able to juggle the kids and their activities so I feel good about that.

My weight is a struggle right now. I'm all over the 140's and have to admit I'm not eating well. Night shift really screws with my meals and when I'm hungry and I find myself grazing a lot. Part of it is that I feel nauseated when I go without sleep so I find myself snacking on crackers to try to settle my tummy. The scale is close to 150. Scares me! Time to get a grip!!

The kids are doing well. DJ is still laid off, but is doing great as the stay-at-home daddy! Gabey and him are super close. It hurts my feelings a little bit when he cries for daddy instead of me, but at the same time, I am so happy to have a man who loves his kids and cares for them so well. I am blessed. <3

The girls are in 4H and so we've spent most of the weekend and today running and back and forth to the fair. It is so fun, but really hot today!! We came home this after noon to cool off and get a quick nap in before Hannah's style review tonight.

Guess that's all for now! ;)

Loss

2009-06-08T05:34:00.003-05:00

I lost my biological dad this past weekend. He died suddenly Friday night. Here are a few of his music videos.

Wedding...

2009-05-11T07:33:00.002-05:00

My little brother got married this past weekend. :)
Here are a few pics. Sorry about the glowing/red eyes.

Thank You!

2009-04-20T07:45:00.002-05:00

Thanks to everyone who watched my videos and commented here and on YouTube. You guys have been awesome! ;)

2009-04-16T19:31:00.003-05:00

Pictures of my journey at the end!

2 years post op!

2009-04-16T07:00:00.001-05:00

Starting weight: 277 lbs.
1 year post op: 142 lbs.
2 years post op: 144 lbs.

Not too shabby! ;)

EASTER !

2009-04-12T17:08:00.005-05:00

1st pic Spring 2007
2nd pic Easter 2008
3rd pic Easter 2009

The kids!

Almost two years post op....

2009-04-11T07:10:00.002-05:00

In 5 days I will be 2 years post op from my lap RNY. I have maintained my weight pretty well for the last year and feel great. :) There is so much going on in life right now... and it's hard for me to get here to update a lot but I want all of my readers to know that I appreciate all the love and support you've given me over the last two years. This blog was a place of refuge and comfort many times during all those early changes. You listened to my ups and downs and offered support and no judgement. It was refreshing and therapeutic to come here daily and just spill my guts to open arms and listening ears, when in real life, so often we are surrounded my critics and haters. For that I am grateful. I feel like I have abandoned his blog and yet, it seems to be part of the process, as I've watched many post oper's end up in this very place. When I first came into this community of WLSers online, I was hopeless, helpless, alone and wondering if this last ditch effort at weight loss would even actually work for me. I spent endless hours looking at before and after pics, reading blogs, articles, searching for websites, information, anything.... wondering if it would work for me, as it had for them. I started blogging. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't hold back. That I would allow you all to see inside my soul... to see the real Amber, for better or worse, and let you all observe the change that I would go through, without reservation. I shared feelings and thoughts here, that I would never allow anyone in my day to day life to know about me. I posted unflattering before pics, starting weights, and my truest, honest feelings and you all embraced me. Now, two years later, here I am. At that place where so many of us find ourselves. The scale has stopped moving.... I've settled into a pattern and there isn't much to blog about. I weigh 140-145 most days. Some days I eat 1800 calories... other days I eat 1000 calories. Eating the right foods and making good choices is a struggle sometimes, but there is a built in governor and I don't binge like I used to. When I eat crap I suffer and so that is a good deterant. Healthwise I'm having some issues, but non-RNY related for the most part. I've been wearing a holter monitor for 3 weeks now b/c my doc thinks I may have A Fib. Very scary and I don't know much about it yet. I will know more when the results are in and I will be sure to update you all. I started school last week and it's going well, but keeping me super busy. I am also still working and DJ is still laid off, so we are learing a new balance in the house and I am trying hard to stay positive. It's hard to be away so much from the kids, and I am dealing with a lot of guilt. I know in the long run, its for them, but for now I won't lie. It sucks. I guess this is enough for now. See? I've become (or maybe I've always been... lol) boring. Here are a few pics from our weekend in PA:

Back to School I Go!

2009-03-24T07:59:00.002-05:00

I start Monday! Eek!

The Meet and Greet is this weekend too. Wow... Lot's of stuff going on!

Weight: 140-145 every. single. day. :)

I keep meaning to come here...

2009-03-20T17:13:00.004-05:00

I keep meaning to come here and post but I never quite make it.

I log on to check emails and a couple message boards, a few blogs and then make a mental note to update mine...Before I know it, an hour as passed, and my mind is wondering what I need to get done around the house before kids start tearing it apart again, I have to go to work, or I need to make supper, help with homework or go to work.

Yeah, I've been working a lot. And paying off bills, and trying to figure out where we are headed. Not to mention, get myself back in school and keep my body whole and healthy, raise 3 kids, keep a husband, and get all this accomplished with in 24 hrs each and every day.

Work has been a roller coaster. Drama upon drama. And then the whole... "we have so many hours available"... then the next day... "we are laying off"... then the next day, "we're short, will you come in and work 16 hrs?" It's insane, but its a job and it pays well so I'm staying.

School... The student loan process is making me crazy. I keep waiting for the consolidation to go thru so I can get more money and go back! Classes start in 10 days and I still don't know if I can go or not. It is going to come down to the wire. Of course, I can go if I want to pay out of pocket...but can I afford that with DJ laid off? /Sigh. Hmm, maybe work will call me in for a double soon. If not, hopefully my loans work and work fast... or I may not be able to start til June.

Kids- The girls have been playing outside everyday after school. It's good for them and for me. They run off their endless energy, get fresh air, have made a new friend w/ the girl whose family moved in across the street and I don't have to hear, when's dinner, 50 times before 4 p.m. :) Gabey is potty training and doing really well at it!

DJ and I are doing great. We went and spent the night in Cleveland on Monday for my birthday. We had a blast. <3>

Back Burner

2009-03-01T06:33:00.002-05:00

I hear so many other post-ops talk about how once they are "x" amount of years out, food and diet takes a back burner in their lives and they don't eat, sleep, and drink WLS anymore. I can say that is sorta true for me, but really, I don't think I'll ever have a normal relationship with food. In fact, as the stress increases, I find myself pacing in the kitchen more. A bite here, a bite there... My weight is staying exactly the same, but I still feel out of control. Mostly b/c for the month of January I ate on plan, healthy and felt good. Now, back to work, it seems I have no time to plan, I just grab the first thing I see and eat it. At work, I drink a pot of coffee w/ a protein shake added in for creamer...Then home at 2 p.m. where I graze until dinner, which I pick at b/c I'm full from grazing... then from 6-8 I pick...a bite here, a bite there... fill the pouch, empty the pouch, repeat. Blah.
I'm not gaining weight. I'm not losing weight. I'm still 144, no matter what it seems. But I realize this way of eating will catch up to me eventually. So, I need a plan.
My head feels like I am on mental overload though. Work is so draining physically and mentally. I lost a resident this week, and then there is always on the job drama that is stressful... When I come home then I face the stress here... hoping and praying the kids are ok, the homework is getting done, the kids are making it to all their activities and not getting neglected in anyway by me being at work all the time. DJ is a great house dad, but the mom in me still worries and can't let go of that underlying feeling, that I'm still totally responsible for keeping the house up, even if he is the one home right now. I am constantly making lists and trying to make things easier on him. I plan out our dinners for the entire week, shop and have it laid out for him. I'm trying to juggle it all. So far I haven't dropped anything but every day I feel on edge...like one false move and the house cards will crash.
I'm trying very hard to keep up on my vitamins and I have new ones that will be here Tuesday. They are by the company multigenics and I feel more energy when I take those as opposed to a Centrum or something similar. I need them right now. I can't let my health suffer b/c of the busyness of my life right now.
So I guess that's my update.

Better

2009-02-20T15:29:00.001-05:00

I'm working a lot but I'm doing better! I was even down a pound this a.m. I'm ok! :) Thanks for checking on me, commenting and supporting me! xoxo!

I'm struggling...

2009-02-18T17:38:00.001-05:00

It's sad when you get to this point post op and you realize that old habits die hard. All the emotional stuff is taking it toll on me and I have turned to my old bff food. I'm ashamed to admit it but its the truth. I have to get a grip. That is all.

Getting into the groove..

2009-02-15T06:43:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Valentine's Day...

I woke up at 4:14 a.m... a good half hour before my alarm. My body is used to getting up around that time now and of course, I can't stay awake past 9 in the evenings. Anyway, I got up and made coffee, tip toed around the house while getting ready for work. I even had time to check my email and watch a couple YT videos. I wore my cute heart print scrub top w/ gray pants and was at work by 6 a.m. I had sneaked a Valentine's card into the cart at Walmart the night before for DJ and made sure to sign it and leave it on the counter for him when he woke up.

The girls had their school parties Friday and I sent cards and cookies in. They came home after, back packs over flowing w/ Valentines, candies, and cookies. :) Despite working so much, I was able to balance it all this week and felt really good about being a good working mommy. :)

So, yesterday around lunch time, I was thinking about how ready I was to get home and spend the rest of Valentine's Day with my family... I had run down to another station, where they were short handed, to help out for a few minutes, and was getting ready to head back when I looked up and there, down the hall in front of me was DJ and the kids! They had a vase w/ a rose, two balloons and a couple cards in their hands. Gabey saw me and I shrieked , "GABEY!" and he yelled, "Mommy!" and we ran to each other! LOL It was so cute. The girls came running and we all hugged and kissed and mashed each other. :) DJ is such a great man. He's so thoughtful and kind and I am happy and blessed to have the family that we have.

Time are tough and things are stressful, but moments like that, make it all worthwhile. They remind me that we can make it... b/c we love each other and b/c even though we've had tough times we always somehow make it thru, together... stronger and closer and more in love.

I don't know what is in our future. I don't know if he'll get called back to his job or if he'll have to find another one. I don't know how long its going to take me to finish nursing school, or how long I'm going to have be a full time working mommy. What I do know though, is that somehow we'll survive. We'll hang on to each other, preferring one another, loving and caring for one another.

That is how we'll make it. That is how we'll stay together and make our lives work no matter what comes against us. Afterall, it's what has gotten us this far. :)

Bullets

2009-02-06T16:34:00.002-05:00

weight: 142 lbs.
hours of work this week: 60
frustration level: HIGH
exhaustion level: HIGH

Update

2009-02-02T11:00:00.003-05:00

DJ got laid off.

I'm picking up a ton of hours at work to catch us up and make up for it. We were already behind from me being off w/ my arm injury. Thank god for a (smallish) tax return and my job. We'll make it. :) It's a lot on me though and I've been stressed beyond belief. I haven't had to be the main bread winner ever in our marriage.

What does all this mean for our future? Will I still be able to go to school? I have to. I don't have any other option. I need my degree. The only positive thing is that this may qualify me for more grant money and DJ is home so there will be no childcare expenses.

I have been thru harder things. Really, at least we have a "plan" and hopefully it all pans out the way we need it to. Nursing jobs are pretty recession resistant lucky for me. DJ is also talking about going back to school.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

On a roll

2009-01-27T16:02:00.003-05:00

Work is fine. I'm glad I'm back. Everyone has been great and so I went ahead and picked up some more hours.

Got news today that my cousin/bff is pregnant with twins! Identical twins. :) I am so excited for her. It was a total fluke. No infertility drugs or anything. Just nature! She is nervous, which is normal, and her husband got laid off yesterday, so that sucks, but the babies won't be here until September so I'm sure all will be fine.

I am so much hungrier on days I work. Why is that?? Hmm.

My weight is still 143 lbs. I don't think it's ever going to change again!

My arm feels great too!

Success!

2009-01-27T06:05:00.001-05:00

Day one back to work?

Success!

Everything was perfect and my arm gave me no trouble. :) I'm working another half shift today. It feels good to have some normalcy again! (Thanks for asking Danyele!)

Back to normal?

2009-01-25T12:00:00.002-05:00

I'm heading back to work tomorrow. :) I'm ready. I'm ready to get out among adults again and have a reason to get up and get dressed. lol
I have spent far too many days this winter, waiting til 3 p.m. to shower and put PJ's right back on. I'm ready to have a life again. My arm feels pretty good. Probably about as good as it will get. The nerves are still weird. When it's cold it sends messages to my brain that its wet. Isn't that odd?? It makes me feel crazy when I reach down to dry it off and realize its just cold again.
There isn't much strength either, but I'm working on that too. The girls at work can help me transfer and I'll make sure to use my good side until the other side is super strong again. I'm sure it won't take long while working.
Classes start in about 8 weeks. I am so excited. I filed DJ's taxes last night and have the ones from last year too so I can apply for aid as soon as I get my consolidation paperwork. I am so ready. I know it won't be easy but I'm ready for the battle.
Going through the things I've gone through in the last two years have shown me that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I can do more and be more than I ever imagined.
The kids are finally feeling better I think. We had strep, pink eye and the flu pass thru the house a few times. Oy! Gabe got shots in there too. It was a crazy few days, but it seems that they are all are medicated and on the mend now. I'll be glad when Spring gets here.
My weight is stuck solid at 143 lbs. and that is OK. I'm done stressing about it. If this is the lowest I ever get then that is ok. It sure beats 277 lbs. any day in my book!
I'm still trying to make exercise a habit. No excuses! I just need to keep moving.
Guess that's it for now! I'll blog and let ya'll know how tomorrow goes!
:)

All my ducks in a row...

2009-01-23T07:17:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I was here

And I will look like this:

Until I am this:

Obama :)

2009-01-21T07:26:00.002-05:00

I was so excited yesterday to watch Obama swearing in and all that jazz but omg I getting so at some people ... I'm seeing random status messages on MS and FB and other places that are just down right racist. It makes me angry too b/c some of these people I have known for years and never knew how they really felt. It is hard for me to just shake off as ignorance, when these people have spent time in my home, with my bi-racial daughter and our family... and it makes me wonder if they think these things about my Hannah. Racism is alive and well. I have known this...but when hits this close to home, and I am completely helpless, it makes me see that we live in a pretty sad world. I hope a change really does come, but right now I don't have much hope for some people.

A few pics I snapped today:

2009-01-19T17:08:00.000-05:00

(Week 1, Day 2--Couch to 5K)

2009-01-18T06:38:00.006-05:00

I have never been much of a runner. Ever. I remember those yearly presidential fitness tests that our gym teacher would force us to do in school. It was humiliating to be the kid in the class who could barely do 1 chin up, only make it to the second knot on the rope, and last to come in after the mile run. I remember one year, in high school, huffing and puffing so badly around the track, that I thought for sure I'd die. One guy came back after he finished his mile and ran with me. You know the type... the ones who look like a gazelle as they run. They almost look at if their legs just sort of bounce off the ground as they fly through the air. He was that guy, and he cheered me on all the way to the finish. It was a nice jesture, but I felt so "less than" in that moment. This guy, runs back, cheers for me...and all I can do is think about how I wish the earth would open up and swallow me. I still don't know his motive. Was he being nice? Was he making fun of me in a passive aggressive sort of way? I think he genuinely was helping, but I was humilated. He was barely jogging beside me, and there I was, sweat dripping, out of breath, clomping down the track... I felt so heavy.
He ran like a gazelle. I ran like King Kong. He floated. I caused earthquakes.

Or so it felt.

Workout 1 was rough. I did it, but I screamed, I grunted, I yelled. I felt like that chubby 10th grader all over again. I was sure it sounded like I would crash thru the floor at any moment, to those downstairs beneath me. But shaking the house or not, I finished.

And I will finish again today. :)

Today

2009-01-16T09:34:00.002-05:00

It has been 1 year and 9 months since my surgery. Wow.

I guess it's only fitting that today I start a new chapter.

I am starting the couch to 5K program today. Why is my heart beating fast and my palms sweaty? Seriously, why does a commitment to exercise scare me so much? Probably b/c I'm afraid of failing more than anything. How can I not fail? Never start. But as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working out for ya?" Not good.

So, it's time. I see that if I'm ever going to maintain this weight loss, I'm going to have to move, consistantly, and stop being a big whiner baby. Why come this far and still be flabby, and weak and depressed, and flabby.

I've got my eating under control again. Two full week of clean eating, water drinking, etc. The exercise is only going to improve my health even more.

So, the treadmill awaits, I've got the podcast downloaded on the Zune, and I am going to do this.

In a few weeks, I'll be running.

(This is an old journal entry from years ago, when I was doing Atkins for the millionth time....
11/25/04
I had the most amazing dream last night. And when I woke up, I felt even better because I knew it was attainable.

Sure we have all had the "cheating"dreams. You know the one where you are scarfing down 1/2 a cheesecake or diving into a table spread w/ every treat imaginable. These dreams always make me feel horrible upon returning to reality.

The dream I had last night was awesome though.

I was standing in front of my friends house and suddenly I decided we should go for a run. First of all, I don't run. I'd like to but can't. Well not until now that is.

I took off down the street. I felt like I was flying. I felt so light and with each step I felt so free. I ran and I ran and I ran. Never getting tired, never losing my breath, never having to stop to pant or get a drink of water. I just ran. NOthing stopped me. Nothing held me back.

Pure freedom.

I woke up and I decided I can do this.

I can run like that and it will happen in the future if I stay true to myself and stay true to this woe.

I know running isn't that simple in real life. I know it will take blood, sweat and tears to get to the point I was in my dream. But more than anything I want to feel that freedom.

Freedom from fat. Freedom from being bound by my weight. I know what I have to do. And by not cheating today I am one step closer to reaching my ultimate goal.

I will run and not look back.)

Wow.

2009-01-13T13:59:00.002-05:00

I was wondering around an old shutterfly account and found this photo today:
Christmas 2006

Christmas 2008

For comparison

2009-01-10T15:09:00.000-05:00

The video of me singing Oh Holy Night in the red sweater... I was 150 lbs.

This is what I look like today:

Snowed In

2009-01-10T14:04:00.003-05:00

We are snowed in again. It seems the last few years have given us a good week of dumping several inches (or feet) of snow on us and cutting us off from society. It usually is around this time of year.
So here are we are cozy, warm, playing games, watching movies, cooking...

I normally go into hermit/mom mode and want to feed everyone. What is that? Hibernation? Something like that. There may be something hardwired in my brain that urges me to "fatten" us up or something. I am fighting tooth and nail to not even go there!

It could be boredom too. Really you can only watch so many episodes of House or Grey's, clean out so many closets, download so many songs, play so games, and surf so many websites before you lose. your. mind.

The kids hit their limit a few hours ago and so I sent them outside to "sled". They were back in, in 30 mins... I fed them beef stew and hot chocolate and now they are sleepy from the cold and finally quiet watching "Kung Fu Panda" w/ Daddy.

So...right now... I'm cooking enough grilled chicken to last me for two days and also making some concoction of yummy goodness for them to munch on.

So yeah, the point to my blog. I could use this time to eat, but I'm choosing to stick with what I've been doing. I've got a good solid week of clean eating under my belt... Down 7 lbs. and feeling GOOD. No hypoglycemic issues this week, lots of energy, my skin looks better... I look and feel better.

I'm not willing to sacrifice that, just b/c I"m bored and snowed in. :)

For some good entertainment watch this:

A week of back to basics...

2009-01-09T06:21:00.001-05:00

has put me down 7 lbs. :) Ah. Feels nice and shows that even at almost 2 years old, if I follow rules, I lose weight!

A few days into 2009...

2009-01-06T08:41:00.005-05:00

I've been doing much better on eating and drinking water and behaving like a good RNY girl. It is paying off already. The scale isn't showing much, in terms of weight loss, but I do FEEL better and that is more important. I haven't had any hypoglycemic issues in the last few days of clean eating either. Imagine that?!

I will be uploading a video soon to YouTube since I haven't done a vlog in about a month!

Hope 2009 is treating everyone good so far!

We are potty training Gabey this week... Oy!

Last Day of 2008...

2008-12-31T09:34:00.003-05:00

Last week sometime I made a vlog stating that this year would be first year that "weight loss" wouldn't be a New Years Resolution for me. So after thinking about my current struggles and trying to stay with a "lifestyle" change, instead of "crash diets" I have spent the last 3 days coming to terms with what I've been doing to myself.
I am not making a New Years Resolution. Nope. Not doing it. I will not set a certain goal of weight loss and I won't say that I'll exercise 6 times a week, b/c long term, I won't. Instead, I'll tell you what I will do, for me, b/c I love me and I am keeping myself healthy.

I WILL make healthy choices. When protein sits before me, and a carb... I will try to, more often than not, eat the protein. :)

I WILL walk on my treadmill.

I WILL chose me.

I WILL love me.

I WILL be me.

:) And if I never see 132 lbs. again, it's ok, b/c I promise you, I will never be morbidly obese again. Ever. And wasn't that the plan in the first place?

Happy 2009!

Thoughts to other RNYers...

2008-12-29T12:09:00.001-05:00

This was a post I "almost" put up on a message board I go to, but I didnt' want to hurt anyones feelings or start drama so I'll just post it here...

...All I am saying to everyone in this thread is that this is a struggle and its hard. Food demons are real and hard to beat. Sometimes at night it's all I can do to not go in the kitchen and graze from 7 p.m.-9 p.m. I literally feel hunger pangs (head hunger manifesting?) and have to almost sit on my hands so I don't go and eat empty pointless calories. But we have to do this. One day, one hour, one moment at a time. One right choice after another. Making good habits.
I'm not saying you can never have a cheeseburger again, but I certainly would hope that it isn't on a normal menu sample as something that you even eat weekly. I remember eating 3 french fries when I was about a year post op and they felt thick in my throat, got stuck and made me ill. Now, at almost 2 years out I can eat a small order. By next year I'll bet I can eat a medium order, which means there will be a day when I could probably eat a value meal w/ fries and a drink again. BUT, if I eat that just b/c I can...I'm going to end up back at 277 lbs. That is how I got there in the first place. So, what is the answer? Not totally relying on restriction b/c that will go away with time, but instead relying on good choices!! Relying on good habits that I formed in the honeymoon stage.
I have a saying on my fridge...it's simple, but has gotten me thru some rough moments..

"I can't eat anything I want to... no one can."
What that means is, surgery or no surgery, people, if health is their goal, cannot eat anything they want to. So, I shouldn't feel deprived or upset. I should realize that I am no different than anyone else that is a healthy person. When I ate whatever my body craved, I paid a high price...weight gain, sore muscles, health problems, a shortened life span....

I hope I don't sound high and mighty in this thread. I don't intend to. Anyone who reads my blog or watches my videos knows my struggles. At the same time, I am further out than a lot of us here, and I have experienced things that you guys haven't yet. I didn't want to believe it during my honeymoon phase either... I didn't want to believe that my new pouch wouldn't always restrict me and keep me in my caloric parameters w/o very much effort on my part... I didn't want to believe that eventually the fat would stop melting off... I didn't want to believe I could actually regain weight so soon. I wanted to close my ears to "protein first, lots of water, and exercise" as being the key long term. In the first year some slight indescresions don't seem to make much difference on the scale. Trust me, after 18 months they show. And they show fast.

24 hours later

2008-12-29T11:13:00.003-05:00

I already feel better. One day of clean eating and I lost 3 lbs. (of water and overall puffiness). Ah. Now, one foot in front of the other, I keep going.
We are going to a waterpark/hotel tonight. DJ's work offered them a "getaway" package at a huge discount and so we are heading out in a few hours. I also need to exchange an outfit that I got for Christmas. I got one of those cute fur hoodies from Aero, but it's about 5 inches from zipping in the front. /Sigh. Stupid junior sizing. LOL
I hate that I had to post such a dower post yesterday and now I'm tempted to delete it, but I won't. It's real. I guess I hope people aren't judging me and thinking I'm a failure already. I already feel it in real life. When I walk in a room, I feel everyones eyes on me...gauging if I'm bigger, the same, or smaller than I was when they last saw me. I know people do this. They are all sitting back waiting for me to gain all the weight back like I have every other time. That's not to say that they want me to fail. I actually think they do want me to be successful, BUT I also think they are waiting and watching, to see if this thing is going to work long term.
Anyone that has yo yo dieted knows exactly what I am talking about. I am not going to let that happen. 150 lbs is my barrier. I won't go over that. I just won't. I saw it yesterday, took matters back into my own hands, and bam, I'm down to 147 today. I plan on being back to my "comfort zone" of 138-142 in a few weeks.
Thank God for RNY. Thank God for making this thing manageable. Losing 10 lbs. is so much easier than losing 150 lbs. I will not forfiet this great oppurtunity I've been given. I have my tool. I have the knowledge. I have the determination.
So, people in real life, famiy, friends, blog readers, vlog watchers....watch away. You're going to watch me succeed. :)

Truth

2008-12-28T10:08:00.004-05:00

This is a difficult post to write.

We are a few days passed Christmas and I stepped on the scale this a.m. to see the "Christmas Damage".

It was bad.

First, let me get the excuses out of the way. a) I am days away from starting my period. b) I ate a bunch of left over ham yesterday and am probably retaining water.

But, my lowest weight was 132 lbs.

This a.m. I weighed 150.0. Right on the dot. I set 150 as my "barrier". I said if I ever got there I'd take control before it kept climbing. Little did I know I would be there this soon post op. That I would be fighting re-gain at only 21 months post op.

How did this happen? Old habits. I grazed non stop for the entire month of December. I ate Christmas cookies for dinner. I drank with my meals. I did zero exercise. I feel/felt out of control. I would walk in the kitchen and just start shoving things in my mouth like I used to. The exact way I ate before surgery. Of course, the volume was less, the out of control shoveling was the same.

I can't button my jeans. My muffin top has grown. I feel puffy everywhere.

What scared me was the horrible hypoglycemic episode I had the day after Christmas. DJ and I got up and ran out the door to shop and on the way out the door, I grabbed a thermos of coffee and 3 chocolate covered pretzels. By the time we were pulling into the neighboring town about 30 mins later I was shaking, sweating, dizzy and losing my mind. I couldn't speak. My head was spinning and I knew my sugar had dropped. It was the worst episode yet. I couldn't even form words to tell DJ I needed something... He whipped into Wendy's, grabbed a frosty and made me take a few bites. Of course, it brought my sugar up, but it crashed again later in the day. I cannot keep doing this. I didn't have this surgery to eat junk, and pass out in public. I didn't lose all this weight just to gain it back.

When will I realize that I have to keep good habits and stop dabbling in the old ones? I said on a youtube video last week, that this year was the first year that my New Years Resolution wouldn't be weight related. Hmm. I guess I was wrong. BUT, I'm not waiting til the New Year. I started back on track and back to basics this morning. I've got my vitamins all dispensed in my pill box for the day, I had a protein shake for breakfast and plan on getting 70 oz of water in today. Oh, and no diet pop.

I will walk on my treadmill too.

I can do this. I'm taking control back.

I said my blog would be real and that I wouldn't sugar coat. So there you have it. The reality of post op life at almost 2 years out. Not very glamorous is it? But its real. :)

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T15:00:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas!
This is a video of me singing at our Christmas Eve service last night. :) My mom is playing the piano for me. She is awesome! :)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

Vegging...

2008-12-22T10:46:00.002-05:00

I have NO energy. Zero. I don't know what is wrong with me. I slept yesterday for 3 hours in the afternoon, then slept 10 hrs. last night. I could go back to sleep right now. Eek. I'm sitting here drinking coffee and totally unmotivated and lame. LOL

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-15T09:11:00.001-05:00

Kidney Stones...again.

2008-12-10T12:04:00.002-05:00

My pee parts have not been "ok" since the last bout w/ the stones. Seriously, something has just not felt right. I actually have gone to the doctor and been tested twice for UTI/bladder infections that all came back normal. I think the stones are just really doing some damage. Yesterday the symptoms started again, but this time I high tailed it to the ER before it got out of hand and let them drug me and fluid me up... I came home dry heaving from the diladad...ugh. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow with out spinning and gettign super nauseated. I was/am miserable. The pain is controlled now though for the most part. I just hope this little bugger passes quickly. I hate you kidney stones. :(

In other news, I so badly want to post pics of my chirstmas tree. It is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen. It is real and perfect. But, alas, my dig camera is broken. :( When I feel better I'm taking it back to Best Buy and cashing in on that waranty. Hopefully, they will give me a new one or fix this one and I'll be back to picture taking by Christmas.

Oh...another sad thing? I've been forbidden to drink milk until this kidney things works itself out. There go my lattes. *cries*

Out with the old...

2008-12-04T08:38:00.002-05:00

These kids have too much stuff. Too many clothes, too many toys...just overall too much stuff. It's everywhere. I try to organize but it ends up just piles of toys, books, games, etc. everywhere. There is a small room downstairs. It's really too small to be bedroom, but probably the perfect size to be a "home office space"... There are built in cabinets and a closet. I had it set up as a home office when I worked from home, but since then the computer has been moved out into the diningroom (mostly since the girls use it now and I want to be able to see what they are doing) and the room has become a playroom of sorts. Only, there are so many toys in there, no one can play. There's no room left.
My goal? Move all the toys from that room to the kids bedrooms. This will be a huge task though b/c I need to clean all the old toys and stuff out of their bedrooms in order to make room for this stuff. Their rooms are pretty clean so it shouldn't be hard, but it's just one of those things that is a pain to do. 20,000 trips upstairs....I am not looking forward to this task at all... which is probably why I'm sitting here drinking coffee and blogging instead of getting to work.
I think it also makes me feel a little guilty. I mean here we have ROOMS FULL of toys, games, movies, etc. and we are going out and buying more!? I have bags of more stuff in the basement hidden for Christmas. They will open a gazillion things that day and probably play with somethings one time before moving on to something else and really what about all we have now? Some of these toys I will uncover today they haven't seen or touched for months...and we are buying more?
But really...what's the options? No Christmas? Ack. Sorry kids, you have too much?? Nah, they don't understand that.
So I will clean all this stuff out and they will get a ton more in a few weeks, and that's that I guess.

A whole lota nothing...

2008-12-03T09:54:00.002-05:00

I'm freezing. It's around 17 degrees outside and though the thermostat says 68 in here, I'm shivering!! Ugh. Brr...
I have got to let the scale thing go for a few days and stop obsessing over what I'm eating/weighing. That isn't healthy. I need to LIVE my life and not be so focused on food 24/7.
Today I planned on cleaning out the kids playroom and bedrooms, but DJ drove my car to work and the new totes I bought are in the trunk. Shucks. LOL Guess I'll have to wait til tomorrow! he he
I have that feeling like I want to crawl under a blanket and hide for a few days.

Ack.

2008-12-02T18:42:00.002-05:00

Why is it that it seems like I eat so much more when I'm blogging/tracking it all?? It seems like my mind focuses on food and I wanna just eat constantly. Am I crazy? I don't graze (or maybeI don't notice it) when I'm not tracking. I'm pretty certain I don't do it b/c food isn't the first priority on my mind. Hmm....
The last two days of tracking though have made me crazy and depressed and whale-ish feeling. WTH is up w/ that?? So what is the answer??
I do not want to be one of those 3 year post ops who have gained back 50 lbs...but I can't focus on food like this or I become obsessed and eating like a nervous baboon who has nothing else to do but make a gazillion trips to the fridge a day. Oy.
Surely, I can't be the only post op loon. Right?
Maybe I shouldn't enter it during the day, keeping a running total...Perhaps, if I just entered it all at night for a final "before bed" total??? I don't know.
I could maybe start with just being happy about where I am now and realize that 144 lbs is perfectly good weight for me.

Picture Blogging....a Bust!

2008-12-02T08:03:00.006-05:00

I may try again today...Yesterday was a not normal eating day b/c I was out shopping. Maybe I'll try again today. It was also brought to my attention that the daily plate totals may not be right...I dunno. I'll try again today and see what I come up with.

This morning I've had coffee and 2 small brownie bites. I hate you chocolate on my counter when I first wake up. DJ bakes these ooey gooey brownie bites and then leaves them on the counter. Ugh. So hard to resist. I ate two and vow to stay out of them for the rest of the day. I just made some bacon so I'm having 2 pieces of bacon too.

B: coffee, 2 brownie bites, 2 pc. bacon (the breakfast of champions :) )
L: Chicken Breast w/ a dab of Ranch
S: 1 oz cheese, 3 pepperoni, 4 oz. light fit yogurt, 9 ritz bitz peanut butter crackers
D:3 bittes of spaghetti and 4 bites of a baked potato--- I threw this up about 10 mins. later.
Later: 1 pc. peanut butter toast and 2 darn brownie bites. grrr....

The kids are home on a 2 hr. delay and driving me batty. I'm going to the doctor at 11 for these dang headaches. I'm alittle annoyed though b/c I have to see a new doctor...my old doctor who I loved ran off and joined the army... wth?? I have no idea. Anyway...I hope she's a cool doctor. It's annoying though to have to start over w/ all my medical history again. Blah.

Food Blogging with Pictures!

2008-12-01T14:04:00.010-05:00

First of all, why is it that the day I decide to food blog w/ pictures, my digital camera breaks??? Arg. I used my cell phone so the picture quality is terrible...but anyway....First, coffee....1 mug...half and half and 1 pk. splenda

Next a Venti Skinny Caramel Latte

Then about 3/4 cup of this stuff (similar to chex mix):

While shopping I got a Beef and Cheddar Roast Beef Sandwich at Arby's...I ate about half then 2 hours later ate the rest...Got sick.

OH and about half of this Pay Day Pro Protein Bar thru out the morning....

I'm a grazer. Yikes.

I hate this day of food blogging....I am way over on my calories and have grazed... Bad me. :) LOL Guess this is what we are supposed to learn huh. :)

Afternoon snack:
Pepperoni

Dinner:
Evening Snack: Sugar Free Hot Cocoa

Running Totals:
calories: 1374
fat: 61g
carbs: 134g
sugar: 54g
fiber:7g
protein: 71g

So there we have it. This was a PAIN. And as you can see I gave up taking my own pictures and googled images of what I needed. Anyway...there ya go! :)

Headaches

2008-11-30T14:36:00.005-05:00

I am on my 4th day straight of a horrible migraine... Nothing is making it go away and now my sinuses are icky too. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow if I still have it. I am also going to blog pictures of my food intake tomorrow...Thanks Beth for the idea!

Odd Thanksgivings

2008-11-29T07:04:00.005-05:00

So I am totally out of the habit of blogging and in a way I'm sad about that. I want to get back to it. Especially since I'm HOME...all the time... and there is only so much cleaning and laundry I can do in a day. For a long time I felt as if I shouldn't blog about anything that wasn't WLS related or something I couldn't tie into the "life after gastric bypass" theme. So what has that brought me? No posts. So from now on I'm blogging about my life... and trust me it will include all the stuff this blog always has, plus more.

So first let's talk about Thanksgiving.
Last Sunday we kicked it off at my Grams house. I weighed in that morning at 142. We ate. I was surprised actually at how much I could eat. (Though of course in the grand scheme of things...and compared to what I used to eat...it wasn't much....BUT for ME-- and my pouch/rearranged guts..it was more than I realized I could fit in there). Anyway... I felt pretty good and skipped dessert so I was A-OK. In fact, the next day I still weighed 142. Yay me.

Thursday was our next dinner and we actually had two that day. First my mom's house, then a brief stop off at his families dinner. At mom's, right when the meal was being served, I got hit with a migraine...(head exploding, temples pounding, gut wrenching headache) and ate barely anything, of which I promptly lost hanging over the toilet a few mins later. Ugh. Who gets sick on Thanksgiving?? Me. That's who. Oy.

I took some pills and tried to lay down before heading to DJ's families dinner but it was no use. The headache was there and making me quite nauseous. Once we got to his grandpa's house I picked at a plate of food...actually tried to eat twice but eh, I was pretty much over it.

It was a very odd holiday, for several reasons actually.

My little brother is at boot camp and my other brother was 3 hrs. late getting to Mom's for dinner. So I saw none of my siblings that day. When we arrived at DJ's grandpa's, his grandpa got a call that is mom had just died. Not to mention that half of his family didn't even show up at all b/c of drama brewing..ugh...and then my pukefest/headache....It was just a weird day.

Oh and Friday, I weighed 142. :D

Speaking of Friday... I got up and shopped. I found a few things but nothing I couldn't have gotten another day. It was still fun though.

P.S.

2008-11-19T16:34:00.002-05:00

Read the post before this one first!!!

Btw, my weight started creeping up w/ the pain killers and the broken arm and the inactivity and the snacking... I was 148 lbs. (gain of 16 from my lowest!! eek!) BUT I re-evaluated and am back on track. 145 this morning...and plan on trying to stay between 135-145. 132 was too thin. :)

This is hard...

2008-11-19T16:22:00.002-05:00

I have sat down here to write a blog for you all many, many times...but I sat and stares blankly at the screen. No words came. The blog slump started when I broke my arm...no I guess it was before that...When I couldn't talk in my public blog about things that weren't so public. Then the broken arm meant I couldn't type anyway...
Now here I am a few months later...with not much to say. I've made a few videos updating things (link in the sidebar) but actual blogging just hasn't happened.

For one thing my weight is becoming a non-issue. When I just eat normally and don't obsess (and stay out of the candy cupboard...I know, I know why is there even a candy cupboard...I digress) anyway, when I stay out of said cupboard I have no weight issues...at all. Wow...how is that even possible after all these years? I've always had weight issues! But, guess what? I don't anymore.

But wait (always the but wait...)

There are still issues with my weight. I don't weigh 277 lbs physically anymore, but some days I feel just as big. I don't eat an entire pizza alone anymore, but sometimes I overeat. I don't punch myself in the stomach anymore b/c I hate me and my fat gut that much...but there are times when I am not kind enough to me. There are days when I look at the scale and feel like 145, or 132 or 143 lbs. isn't "good enough"...and days when I feel like a blimp and blame the dryer for "shrinking" my jeans.

But then, there are days when I run laps around my kids playing outside, and days I accomplish a million tasks b/c I don't have to rest in between, I run up and down stairs and don't look for the closest parking spot. I find cute clothes in normal sizes, and sleep without my chest fat cutting off my air supply.

And on most days I realize that everything has been for a reason, and I am happy and healthy and that is what is important.

And so I'll live with my issues, and I'll take each day as it comes, knowing that right now, in this moment I am the best Amber I have ever been, and tomorrow I'll be even better!

18 Months Post Op

2008-11-12T11:40:00.001-05:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

So what now...

2008-11-11T17:21:00.005-05:00

I've lost all the weight I'm going to lose.
DJ and I worked out all of our problems.
I passed my kidney stones.
My arm is pretty much healed and after a few more weeks of therapy will be pretty close to perfect again.

So what now?

Maintenance.

Keep the weight off.
Keep the relationship thriving.
Stay healthy.

Easier said than done.
Me today:

Kidney Stones

2008-10-28T23:35:00.001-05:00

I spent all morning yesterday in the ER passing a couple stones..According to the CAT scan there is one more sitting in my kidney... Bleck.

My first blog award! :)

2008-10-18T08:25:00.006-05:00

Thank you Debbie from -ThroughThickAndThin for awarding me with my first blog award!! :) Thanks!!

Part of accepting the award is:
displaying the award

*linking back to the person who gave it to you

*paying it forward & nominating 7 blogs

*adding links to those seven blogs

*leaving comments on their blog telling them you gave them an award

*enjoying the award!!

Today I nominate:

Danyele who blogs at BecomingThe PinUpGirl Her blog is great and we were fellow sisters in pain a few weeks ago from some crazy surgeries! Hope your feeling betyter sweetie!!!

Mysti at MystisWLSAdventureBlog She is pretty new post op but doing great. Her faith is very important to her and watching her has helped my faith grow at times!!

Sharon at MySoCalledLife She has talked me back to reality a few times post op. lol Thank you! And btw, therapy? Best thing ever! lol!!

Susy at ABrandNewMe Susy is one of those people that you feel like you have always known :) Thanks for your friendship!!

Tracy at LosingItOneLastTime Tracy and I go way back...I met her about 6 years ago at LCF! I'm glad to see our hard work finally paying off!!

Michelle at ThwWeightIsAlmostOver Great blog!! Not just about WLS but about life..those are the best blogs IMO!

Beth at MeltingMama She keeps it real and cracks me up. I like her. :)

HE can fix what's broken...

2008-10-14T09:29:00.002-05:00

I found the following article and wanted to share... It felt so close to home and really spoke to me!!!

The Mender of Broken Things
by Pam Frey
10/05/2007 / Devotionals

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."
By: Author Unknown

I heard this poem years ago and just recently the Lord brought it to my remembrance. I have been going through one of the most difficult times I can remember. If I look at the circumstances of my life right now it would seem that all hope is lost and nothing can repair the damage done; a marriage broken beyond repair.

It seems that women are the worst at getting in God's way. We want to fix everything. Maybe it's just our nurturing nature. When baby falls and skins their knee, we are right there to fix it. Even when they get old enough to work some things out on their own, we still "try to fix it". And how many women are determined to fix everything "wrong" with their husbands? We really must learn that many times we simply get in God's way trying to help with ways that are our own. I have enough shortcomings myself that if I spent half the time concerned with asking the Lord to fix me, I would realize that God really doesn't need my help with fixing my partners shortcomings or anyone else's for that matter.

When I was a little girl I didn't take my broken toys to my daddy to fix. The only thing to do was hide them, hoping he didn't find out, because who knew what would happen if he did. You just never knew. Maybe he wouldn't get mad at all. But, then maybe he would fly into a rage and someone was going to be the object of his wrath. It usually wasn't me. I was the baby of the family. It was my mother, my sisters, or my brother, who took the brunt of my father's abuse. Don't quit reading here. This is not a gloom and doom message. It has a happy ending.

It's been a real challenge learning about how to relate to my Heavenly Father as a loving Father who doesn't fly into a rage because I blew it. It's taken me quite some time to realize that when I blow it and make a mess of things, I can go to Him and He will sweep me up in His arms and let me know that nothing is too difficult for Him. No matter how broken something looks, He is the mender of broken things; broken lives, broken hearts, broken relationships or whatever it is in your life that is in need of repair.

So many are hurting. So many with broken dreams, broken hearts, visions for their lives they know were God's Word to them that seem to be lying in ashes. Many are confused and not understanding why their life seems to be in a million pieces. I know, I'm one of them. Be encouraged today. Nothing is too difficult for the Lord. Often times we are trying to fix things ourselves. If we will simply take our broken things to God, humble ourselves before Him and lay them at His feet, He is well able to fix whatever we've broken. We must learn to leave them in His hands and quit trying to help with ways that are our own.

His whole purpose in becoming man and dwelling among us was so that He could fix what had been broken. Truly, nothing is too difficult for Him.

http://articles.faithwriters.com/reprint-article-details.php?article=3928

Then and now

2008-10-06T18:20:00.001-05:00

I found an old pic

2002

Now

A post of substance...

2008-09-30T14:36:00.002-05:00

I've been vague... guarded...quiet.....

My marriage was over. Seriously. We had been struggling for years but hanging on, unhealthy and not fuctioning well....but hanging on out of habit, convienence, denial and some level of love. Things happened...things were still happening...and from July 10-August 10 everything came to the surface. Everything. It was the breaking moment. I found out things I never imagined went on right under my nose...and I confessed thing I had done.

He wanted us to stay together. I was done. I scared myself at how "done" I was. I wanted out... I checked out...I shut down. I threw myself into work and my kids and shut him out. Totally. I was so hurt I couldn't risk it again.

And so then, bam I break my arm.

It seemed so stupid and odd and pointless of an occurance...so painful. Little did I know God was putting His plan into action.

Long story short, oddly enough breaking my arm changed my life. It saved my marriage, made me quit smoking and got me back into church.

DJ was able to show me love and concern and it was real and honest and raw and came out in a way that I couldn't ignore. He held me, comforted me, cried with me...never left my side..He washed my hair, gave me my meds, fed me...took care of the house, the kids..the list goes on and on. When I broke my arm, he cried as he took me to the hospital b/c he couldn't stand to see me hurt. Suddenly, all the stupid meaningless crap that had divided us fell away and what was left? US.

So here we are.. I'm all bandaged up and it is taking time for my bones to heal, but as my arm heals so do our hearts.

Update

2008-09-26T08:35:00.002-05:00

I came thru surgery fine... 1 plate and 11 screws...in the splint til Oct.15, then a clamp brace for a while above my elbow where the break was. Sigh.

Surgery...

2008-09-11T10:16:00.002-05:00

The orthopaedic surgeon will be putting plates and screws in my arm on Tuesday...At least I'll know I'm on the road to recovery after that and that my arm will heal strong and straight....

Isn't it ironic how much the future is unknown?? It never crossed my mind that night that I'd be at the ER w a broken arm by 3 a.m...

You just never know...

Anyone from Idaho...

2008-09-09T15:02:00.001-05:00

If you are from Idaho and visit this site, please me! Gotta question for you!

ambie799@yahoo.com

hmm...

2008-09-05T15:15:00.002-05:00

I'm drugged. I'm bored. I can't do a darn thing. My house is a wreck, laundry is piled up, Abby went to school with her hair in her face bc no one would listen to me tell them to pull it up. I changed a poopy diaper one handed, without incident, I've watched 5 movies in 2 days, I took my first shower since Sunday w/ a garbage bag tied on my arm and still came out w/ a soaked splint/wrap, and have mastered opening a childproof medicine bottle using my left hand, and left thigh. It's only been 5 days.....lol.
The surgeon says I will need patience...he obviously doesn't know me!!
Isn't it crazy how one event can change the course of your life?? I was becoming so sure...so strong and making plans and then wham...in one moment it's all changed. Decisions are being made for me. I need help 24/7. I was so independent...now I'm needy.
Blah.

so...

2008-09-04T10:49:00.001-05:00

The surgeon didn't do anything yesterday except tell me his plan. i will go back weekly for xrays to see how its healing on its own. He will dtermine if i need surgery in the next few weeks. The surgery he described scared me to death. Rods, pins, plates, a huge incision....the pins would stick out.... I'm in so much pain amd so scared. He said ppl my age don't break bones like this....Well, I did. He said 8 weeks before I can go back to work

X Rays

2008-09-04T10:38:00.002-05:00

And for my next trick...

2008-09-03T04:00:00.002-05:00

So I'm typing one handed w my left hand b/c i broke my arm. Sunday, i worked 14 hrs., then went to my sil's for chili, then finally got home aroumd midnight and crashed. Around 3 am Gabe woke up and dj put him in bed with us. A few mins later he rolled off the edge of the bed. Somehow in my exhausion I flipped out and had it in my mind that he was hurt. I flumg myself over to where hewas and off the side of the bed. When I did I somehow slammed myself into my treadmill, and the next thing i knew i was on the ground screaming in pain.
It's broken in a spiral fracture above my elbow. They just xrayed it and put it in a splint and i finally go today to the orthopaedic surgeon.They said i may surgery and pins but i really hope not!!! I'm off work w no pay too. :(
oy vey.

2008-08-30T20:12:00.001-05:00

Ignorance is bliss. :(

Blogger Slump

2008-08-29T07:42:00.002-05:00

There are things going on right now that I just can't blog about yet. I really wish I could. I wish I could just let the words flow out of my fingers and on to the page. I know it would be cleansing just to get it out. But I can't.

Morning time used to be my favorite time of day. When the day is fresh and just beginning...I always loved the verse about his mercies being new every morning...and just that overall feeling of a new day. Now, that feeling is gone. DJ comes in from working 3rd. I keep myself busy w/ house work while he piddles around getting food or watching tv. He used to come in and jump right on his xbox for a few hours and I would get the house picked up and plan my day. Little did I know... my little perfect looking life, was a lie.

I know I'm not making sense. I'm sorry. I'm still trying to process so many thoughts, feelings, emotions...Everything I thought was true has been shaken and my foundations have crumbled.

My weight is staying down. Mostly b/c I can't eat very well. The braces were tightened this week too on top of everything too so "sigh"...not much food going in. Trying to keep shakes down though at least. How sad that I've come so far and feel so much better physically, but can't even enjoy it at this point b/c of all the other craziness going on.

I'm sorry I can't be more upbeat right now. It sucks that my life is where it is right now. I wish I knew the way out of this nightmare or even how to get over what has happened.

Time heals all wounds? I sure hope so. I'm waiting.

12 days

2008-08-18T10:27:00.002-05:00

It's been 12 days since I blogged last. There have been many tears, some smiles, several sleepless nights, a few panic attacks, and hours of soul searching. I've been unable to put into words what I've felt, then at other times, been overwhelmed with what spilled out of my lips.

I attended church yesterday. Some old friends were in town and so we went ahead and went. He spoke about the story of Naaman. He was a leaper and a high ranking army general at the same time. Here was this man, valiant and strong, successful in his endevors...winning victory after victory and yet, he had one thing....You know that ONE THING that stops you. That one thorn in your side. That thing that you desperately wish you could rid yourself of, and yet there it is, day in and day out...

So the story goes, that Naaman went to the prophet Elisha and was told to dip in the Jordan river 7 times and he would be clean. It seemed like a goofy thing to do, but he was desperate to rid himself of this horrible ONE THING.

Can you imagine if he would've stopped after only dipping 3 times, or 5 times, or even 6 times?

He would've remained a leaper.

It took all 7 times. He had to finish what he started. He had to stick it out....

I had a thought too, beyond what the minister had said. I'm sure getting in that water was painful... Open sores and water do not mix. Can you imagine the pain he must've been dipping in that water?

The first time under water and I'm sure his skin was on fire...and upon each dip, the pain worsened....but he had faith that on that 7th time, his pain would be gone.

It says that when he came up out of the water on the 7th time, he was whole, and his skin was a like a newborn babies.

I'm in the water. I'm dipping...It burns. The pain is so intense, but I have faith, that if I don't give up, I'm going to be whole. I've come to far to give up now... and I certainly didn't endure the hurt of the first, second, even fifth dip to stop now. I may be dipping down for the sixth time right now.... My breakthrough may be right around the corner.

I'm not giving up. I'm going down for another dip....

Let Down

2008-08-06T17:32:00.003-05:00

No. No one has let me down. I'm talking about the feeling that comes after a highly stressful situation comes to a close... or that feeling that hits your knees/guts/throat after a near collison... you know... the one that makes you feel like you could literally throw up, pass out, die or all of the above, just from the thought of what just almost happened?

For me, I shot myself right into survival mode for the last month. I was a walking zombie. I thought I was losing it,but really, I was surviving. I was being me. I was running, retreating, detatching, shutting down, but still surviving.

And in the middle of all that surviving... I was doing something new too.

Instead of the old, survive, but also build walls, shut down, harbor bitterness, give up mentality, coping mechanism that I had come to master so well, this time, I tried (or was forced into) something new. This time, I entered counseling. :D

So while I did some of the old, I didn't completely shut down and tune out....Instead, I am now armed with new information about me and about DJ, about my family, about my life. I opened my eyes, and chose a new path. I am chosing for this time to be different. Even if no one else changes, I will.

I will be stronger. I will not take blame for things that aren't my fault. I won't put people on a pedastal and then get hurt when they fall off. I won't expect people to be something they can never be. I'll get my eyes off of everyone else, and on to me instead, for once.

A month ago, I thought my world had crumbled. I thought it was over. I thought it was hopeless and that everything I had worked hard to build, was over. I pictured myself alone, and unhappy...miserable.... struggling.... poor....I thought for sure it was all my fault somehow too.

Only this time I couldn't blame my fat. I had to look at me and who knew saying, "It's not my fault" would be so hard!!

What is it in a person that makes them blame themselves for everything? My bio dad not sticking around? My fault. My step dad's alcoholism? My fault. My mothers unhappieness? My fault. What the neighbor did to me as a child? My fault. The list could go on and on.... How everything bad that happened in my life was my fault... I carry guilt for things that had nothing to do with me! No wonder I tried to numb myself with food. So much hurt, hidden, ashamed of what I felt on the inside, and so afraid to talk about it... b/c afterall, I did cause it anyway... If I could just do better....

And I've brought all that baggage into my adulthood and ended up being a 277 lbs. broken, bound, blame carrying woman.

Last month I realized that now I was that same person on the inside, but somehow, during the last year, as I unveiled this beautiful person underneath, I'm seeing that I'm worth so much more. And blame carrying isn't what I was created for.

I am only responsible for MY choices and MY actions. Although other peoples actions and choices may affect me, they have nothing to do with me!!

And so now I stand here.... let down. You know that feeling? I'm shaking, I feel sick, I can't believe I survived what just happened, my knees feel like jello and my heart is in my throat.....

but that feeling is leaving and I'm nervous but I'm hopeful, grateful, relieved and excited. The future is bright, and I'm free.

(I am going thru a workbook in therapy called, Self Esteem. I will be sharing some of my self discovery here. I am so very excited and thankful for lifes lessons and journeys and truly appreciate each and every one of you who read here and support me! I love you guys!!)

My choice

2008-08-03T20:25:00.001-05:00

I am chosing to look up! :)

GOAL

2008-08-02T15:09:00.001-05:00

I hit my revised goal of 136 yesterday morning. It was sort of not a big deal in light of the other issues going on right now. Especially, considering I'm losing b/c I can't eat. That seems like I'm cheating in a way.

Anyway... I'm still 6 lbs. over the doctors goal, but I know once I have the tummy tuck I'll be below that.

So here I am. At goal. 136.

Sadly, it doesn't change anything that's wrong in my life right now.

At least I look good, right? ;)

Don't know

2008-08-01T07:27:00.003-05:00

Right now I am going through the worst battle of my life. I'm not being dramatic. There could be some HUGE changes coming soon. I can't share right now, but I am on my last leg. If you pray, please pray. I need a clear mind, and right now I don't have that.

Thank you.

140 lbs. club

2008-07-23T07:02:00.000-05:00

I've lost 140 lbs. Amazing.

2008-07-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Just sayin'

2008-07-09T13:18:00.000-05:00

HEY! :) Hope everyone is having a great week!

More pics from this weekend...

2008-07-06T09:56:00.003-05:00

Playing w/ new blue eyeshadow! Kids waiting for parade to start!
Me and my bff (and cousin) Ashley!

Happy 4th of July!

2008-07-04T21:46:00.003-05:00

Today was a good day! We woke up early, got dressed and headed out to a parade. It was so fun for the kids and they got a ton of loot! :) After we stopped at Walmart, had lunch at a local Mexican restaurant and then came home to rest for a bit. I took an allergy pill and slept 4 hours! It was heavenly! :) I woke up around 8 and we went to the local festival got some food and walked around for a bit. We missed fireworks though b/c DJ had to work tonight. The kids were ok with it though, b/c we are going to yet another parade, cookout and festival tomorrow. It's a fun weekend for them!

It is so nice seeing people I know in public and not feeling like I want to hide. I am so proud of how I look now. I am happy to see people now! :)

Happy 4th!! DJ and I at the parade! :)
Gabe putting toostie rolls in DJ's pocket. :)

Hannah and Abby! I think the sun was in her eyes... lol

Gabe desperately trying to get his "canny" unwrapped.

Breakthrough

2008-06-30T12:39:00.001-05:00

Finally!

It feels great. I feel free.

Finally. A breakthrough! :)

Back to School

2008-06-28T05:24:00.002-05:00

I have a meeting with admissions Monday at 3 p.m. I'm already accepted but now I have to get set up for testing and scheduling and a payment plan (can't forget, of course, this costs money.)

I'm excited and wondering how this will all pan out. I won't quit this time. I absolutely WILL NOT quit.

As a super morbidly obese person, I felt trapped. I KNOW I'm smart. I KNOW I'm talented and gifted and a good person, but I let a lot of that be hidden behind rolls of fat and walls built on insecurity. I was too afraid of rejection to go back to college. In fact, when I went back in 2002 after Abby was born, it was only after I had lost weight and was under 200 lbs. I didn't dare try to go when I was at my highest weight.

Why? Why did I allow myself to be in a prison?

I made other excuses.... I'm too busy, it's too hard, I have kids, I need to work, I can't find a babysitter...blah blah blah.... The real reason? I was afraid of rejection and I had no energy b/c I was overweight.

That was it. How sad??

In the last year, if nothing else, I have gained a strength that tells me that I can accomplish whatever I set out to accomplish. This surgery was THE hardest thing I've ever gone through but I made it! And I made it to the other side STRONGER. For me the weight was just that... a WEIGHT that held me back, held me down and kept me defeated.

Now, I'm light and free and on my way to do things I've always wanted to do but never had the courage. My future is bright.

A pic from Father's Day weekend...

2008-06-26T13:55:00.003-05:00

I used to always be shocked when I would see the pictures from the latest family function developed. When I got this pic I was shocked, but in a totally new way. In a, I actually like the way I look, kinda way.

I <3 my RNY! :) he he.

Belly Skin

2008-06-25T13:56:00.000-05:00

I made a video and show my belly skin.

Follow my youtube link to see!

Cedar Point

2008-06-22T07:00:00.004-05:00

We left Friday and drove up to the lake, got a hotel and spent some time in the pool after eating some supper at Chili's. (Fajita's were awesome! Yum!) Later we walked around at the Harley store and listened to the live band they had, went to the mall.... it was relaxing and the kids were great. The next morning we were up early and in the park by 9:30 a.m., after grabbing a quick breakfast at the hotel and some coffee at Starbucks. he he.

Here are a few shots from the day... Oh yeah, and my new hair... (meh...still getting used to it!)

final decision

2008-06-19T07:23:00.003-05:00

I'm changing my goal to 136 lbs. That will give me a normal BMI. I am happy where I am and don't think I need to lose anymore weight. Honestly, what is left is a little flabby tummy that will only be fixed by plastic surgery. I am getting too boney in my shoulders/neck/butt area and my boobs are GONE. lol I have no desire to look like a skeleton. I am wearing a size 4 or 6 and am HAPPY! I do want the normal BMI so I will allow myself to get to 136 and be done. I do think if I ever get a tummy tuck I would be 130 lbs easily.

So that is that. :)

Don't know what hit me...

2008-06-18T13:38:00.002-05:00

I am so full of energy today. I have already cleaned the entire upstairs (that looked like a cyclone hit), and am working on the downstairs, have gone to Walmart and am working on laundry. :)
I have noticed that when my house is a mess I feel out of control and so for that reason it feels good to get it CLEAN! I am off work until next Monday and we leave for our short mini vacation Friday night so I plan on enjoying the next few days in a nice clean house! :)
The scale is being very nice to me lately and I am consistantly weighing in at 138-139 lbs. As long as I stay in the 130's I AM HAPPY. I'm wearing 4's and 6's. I couldn't ask for anything more. I feel great.
My eating is on track as well as my exercise. Things are becoming habit and I am feeling amazing.

Pic of the size 4 pants!

2008-06-15T12:40:00.002-05:00

New video up!

2008-06-15T08:12:00.002-05:00

I model my new size 4 shorts! Check it out and sub to my videos! :)

BTW

2008-06-14T21:12:00.001-05:00

I bought and wore a pair of size 4 bermuda shorts today!! Got them in kahki and black! ;) I'll snap a pic tomorrow when I wear the black ones. :) Yay!

A size 4?????

OMG.

I'm little.

May 5th, 2007

2008-06-14T19:16:00.001-05:00

My entry from May 5th, 2007! I got an email today from "iampeacemaker" and she reminded me of this entry. Thank you! And now I'll share with you guys....

I look at some of the other post-ops at OH ... the ones who have lost 150 lbs... 160 lbs... and I wonder if I can really do that. I'm only 5 ft. 1 in. and could totally be fine at 120 lbs. I really wish I could get there, but then I hear people voices in my head, "You'll always be pudgy." "You're going to look weird when you're skinny." "You'll never be as small as me."Yes, people have actually said those things to me in the last month. I had a another person tell me, "Well I better start losing weight b/c you can't be skinnier than me!"I mean seriously. What is wrong with people?? At any rate, now I'm wondering if I can actually reach 130, let alone 120. Maybe I'll end up at 150? I just don't know and right now all of those numbers seem out of reach. I look at some of those people though who go from 235 lbs to 110 in 9 months. It is amazing to me. I don't know how they do it. Here I sit though, and I have the same tool as them and yet I wonder if it will work for me. Will I be the one who the surgery doesn't work for? Will my body fight me for every pound? I just don't know. Once again I'm facing the unknown. Next my mind wonders to how I'll look. Will I have a ton of extra skin? I really do not want to face another surgery. I can't imagine the pain of a tummy tuck. The scars I've seen of people who have had them are terrible too. I just dont' think I could do that. But I guess that is the voice of a person who is still in recovery from surgery number 1. lolOnly time will tell I suppose. This is the journey of a lifetime.

```````````````````
Wow, I've come a long way! :)

So what now?

2008-06-14T01:42:00.003-05:00

When I started this blog over a year ago, I never expected it to take off like it has. I get no less than 10 emails a day from readers who are at every point in the process and they pour thier hearts out to me and ask questions and I give support and try to answer! I feel a shift in my journey though.

I am 10 lbs. from goal, and since buckling down again and getting on a solid eating plan (to lose the last 10 and to control my blood sugar). I feel wonderful and look pretty good (clothed..lol) at this point.

I actually have surprised myself... at how open I've been here. It was easy in the beginning to put myself out there b/c I thought no one was reading, but now, I know they are. In fact, I mentioned that people come up to me in the store/church and say, "I saw your video's!"... " I read your blog!"....

I am really out there.

This isn't a problem for some. But for me? I usually a pretty private person. If I want someone to know something about me, I tell them... but I also keep a lot to myself. I internalize and this blog was a way for me to get some of that out. In the process though, alot of my "inner self talk" is now online for all the world to see.

So the last few days I'll mulled it over. What do I do? I've gone through the surgery. I've healed. I'm almost at the end of the exciting weight loss phase. My blood sugars are ok atm, my weight is going down, and things are basically habit. Food, water, vitamins, exercise.

I love that I have been able to reach out and share and that people hear me and respect me and take my advice. That is so great to me but I wonder do I have anything else to share?

Maintaining is where the struggle is for a lot of people, so maybe someone does want to hear what I have to say as I learn what works and what doesn't.... ???

I've been blogging less b/c I am LIVING. I am enjoying my life and feel free to do so. :)

Since Summer vacation has started, I have spent so much time in the SUN and in a bathing suit :D and running around with my kids. I have ENERGY and I feel confident! Yes, I still need a tummy tuck, but in clothes and even in my bathingsuit you can't tell! I FEEL WONDERFUL! I'm there! This what I did all of this for...

And so now...what about the blog? I don't know yet.... If I have readers I'll keep writing and sharing my story. :)

Thank you all who have read and supported me during my journey! I have made some wonderful, dear friends during this journey and for that I am so grateful!